Q&A Thursday: Mother's Guild Meetings

(First -- a shameless plea for votes -- just click on this badge if you like my blog.)

Now, today's question is about my mother's group:

I know that you host a mother's group. I'd like to do one here. Can you tell me more about how you make it work?

I've been hosting The Amazing Mother's Guild for going on three years now. Once a month, we have a discussion on a Friday morning at my house (You can read through the notes from some of the meetings we'd have in the past here). I'm blessed with a large home that's built to handle lots of kids, so it works out well. Usually, we have between 6 and 10 moms come, and my house is filled with the noise of between 15 and 30 kids happily playing while we visit. Last year, we had a nearby home-schooled teenager come a few times to help play with the kids, but usually, the kids get along amazingly well. I've tried at times to get out things like playdough or coloring for the kids, but I find they mostly abandon those things in favor of our slide and downstairs playroom with its toys. I also get out a bin of toys for babies and toddlers, who stay close by while we discuss.

Since the kids often play downstairs while we are upstairs discussing, I do cull the toys down to just a few bins and I also lock the doors to all the rooms so they aren't wandering through bedrooms. Other than that simple preparation, and making sure the house is reasonably clean, the groups is very easy to host.

(our slide is a big hit with small visitors)

For the first two years, we also planned field trips once a month, to places like Pumpkinland, local museums, and the fire station. While some of the field trips would have a decent turn-out, others were very sparsely attended and I decided not to do them this year. It seemed that the need for the recreation together was never as strong as the need for education and discussion.

We've had some wonderful discussions over the years, from mothers of all ages and expertise. I love to ask my older neighbors who have raised their families successfully to come in and share their ideas on keeping marriages strong, building family unity, and teaching children responsibility. It's also wonderful to hear from the older generation as well as my peers.

The group goes from September to May, and I try to schedule the discussion leader at the beginning of the year to cut down on my stress. I emphasize that they don't need to be experts, just willing to share what they've learned and invite discussion on the topic. We're all learning together, and I love the synergy of ideas as we discuss various topics.

All reminders for the group are via email. I usually send out two emails, one a week in advance and one a day or two before. I've created a group distribution list in Outlook that simplifies things. Last year, I also figured out how to schedule my emails so that I could do write and set up a bunch of emails in advance and then just allow Outlook to send them for me at the appropriate time. Since I also send out the email reminders for our Book Club, this has been a life-saver!

The first year, we tried to have a book discussion every few months, but I found that very few read the book, some stayed away because they hadn't read it, and since many of us already belonged to a book club, we decided to just drop that part.

Last year, I added a short Conference Moment to each month's discussion. Every six months, the leaders of my Church address gospel topics in a series of meetings called General Conference. The topics covered by the many speakers are diverse, but there are always some that apply specifically to motherhood and family life. I went through and pick out those talks, assign them to a different mother each time, and they'd spend a few minutes reviewing the talk and what they've learned from it.

The main discussion usually lasts for about an hour and then we spend another half hour or so visiting before people drift away to pick up kindergartners or make lunch. It's been a great experience for me to learn from other moms I admire and love, both those who prepare the discussion and those who participate in it.

Here are the topics we discussed our first year:

• Finding Joy in the Journey
• What to Expect in the Delivery Room
• Book Discussion: Contentment by Maria Covey Cole
• Effective Family Home Evening and Scripture Study
  
• Girl's Hairstyles
• Book Discussion: A Mother's Book of Secrets by Linda Eyre and Shawna Porthier
• Home Organization & Cleaning
• Improving Your Marriage (notes are here)
  
• Planning Your Summer Schedule and Local Outings

And the second year:

• Finding Joy in the Journey
• Strengthening Marriages (notes are here)
  
• Teaching Children Responsibility (notes are here)
  
• Family Traditions
• Effective Family Home Evening and Scripture Study
• Finding Balance in Our Many Responsibilities (Since I led this one, notes are in three parts: part one, part two, and part three)
  
• Steps to Better Home Organization
• Preparing Future Missionaries
• Raising Siblings Who Love Each Other (notes are here)
  

And here is what is on the schedule for this year. A few of us met in May to come up with topics to discuss and ideas for discussion leaders. Having that all decided a few months ago made it easy to get this together:

• Understanding and Coping with Depression
• Maintaining Your Health and Fitness
• Making Your Spouse a Priority
• Creative Discipline: Getting Kids to Mind without Losing Your Mind
• Improving Family Home Evenings
• Keeping Romance Alive
• Embracing Your Little Helpers: Child Development in the Preschool Years
• Maintaining Positive Relationships with your Children as they Age

Do you participate in any groups with other moms? How is your group organized? Any ideas to add to what I've shared here?

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Notes on "Raising Siblings Who Love Each Other"

Our Mother's Group on Friday enjoyed a discussion led by Natalie Larson, a mother of five boys and sister to ten siblings. I enjoyed learning from her experience and the others who came. I didn't take notes and a full weekend of yard work, photo shoots and other craziness means I'm only hitting the highlights, but here are a few ideas that Natalie shared with us:

* Natalie recommended the book Siblings without Rivalry.

* Don't compare your kids, don't have favorites and be careful not to label your kids – like “the quiet one,” “the naughty one,” "the stubborn one," etc. Not only does it encourage at times the very behaviors we want to discourage, but it also gives the other siblings a reason to doubt their own worth and abilities. How would YOU feel if your sister were the "pretty one" and your brother were the "smart one?"

* While we do need to respond to our kids’ unique traits, we shouldn’t allow them to feel as if they can only play that role.

* Have hard and fast “no hurting/hitting” and “no name-calling" rules. I've always been hard on the first one, but since the reminder, I've been cracking down on the second by making the child who calls a name say three nice things about the person they insulted. It seems to be working.

* When there are problems between siblings, always comfort the one that’s hurt first rather than disciplining the offender first.

* Try to head off the “he got more than me” battles by responding in terms of the individual needs of a child rather than the comparison. So if a child says, for instance, “He got three big pancakes while I only got three small ones!” you say, “Oh, are you hungry for more? How many more would you like?”

* Our kids need to learn that life is not always fair and how to handle disappointment. It's not easy, but we should try to teach our kids to be happy for the sibling that gets invited to a birthday party or has a unique success rather than feel as if they are diminished because of it.

* Our older kids can be taught that while we will try to be fair and reasonable, we are going to make mistakes. If kids can understand that we are also doing our best, they can accept what they see as inequities a bit better.

* Build the sibling bond by providing positive experiences for kids to be involved together. Natalie says that a lot of the closeness she feels with her sisters is because they shared a room late at night. When they get together now, it’s like a continuation of the many late-night chats they enjoyed because they shared a room. Natalie says the family trips they took together and the friendships they formed from constant play together also bonded her with her siblings.

* Family scripture study is an important key to setting a peaceful tone in the home.

What are some ideas I've missed? Those of you with close sibling relationships, how did those develop? What are ways you've found to help your children learn to get along?

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Finding Balance, Part 3: Patience and Contentment

Today, I'll finish up the discussion on Finding Balance by addressing two final elements to a balanced life: patience and contentment. (See part one and part two of this discussion.)



* Be Patient. We started our discussion last week by writing down all the things we are doing, want to be doing, or should be doing with our lives. I do this exercise every so often as I try to find the right balance in my own life. It can be discouraging to look at a huge list and realize all the things you're not doing or can't do because of the many other good things that fill your time.



That's why it's important to be patient. Wilford Woodruff counseled, “Do not be discouraged because you cannot learn all at once; learn one thing at a time, learn it well, and treasure it up, then learn another truth and treasure that up, and in a few years you will have a great store of useful knowledge which will not only be a great blessing to yourselves and your children, but to your fellow men” (The Discourses of Wilford Woodruff, sel. G. Homer Durham [1946], 269).



One of the reasons New Year's Resolutions often fail is that too many of us try to change everything all at once. We try to exercise, stop criticizing, wake up early, learn a new hobby, and get out of debt all at the same time. After a few weeks, our brains are tired and we start to give up.



Instead of changing everything all at once, try focusing on a few things at a time. Perhaps you want to spend three months working on being more consistent with housework. After that, you could spend a few months focusing on learning how to use your camera better or being a better cook, and so on.



We also need to keep in mind that progress is not a continuous climb. Often, we take two steps forward and one step back. We try to incorporate many new habits and then just a few tend to stick. We do really well one day and have trouble the next. This a normal part of life, and one of the reasons patience is so important.



* Tiny Bites here and there add up.

Last January, I’d had my new camera for two months and I still didn’t know how to use it. I was overwhelmed by all the buttons and dials and had no clue what an F-stop was. I was discouraged that I wasn't making any progress, but I didn't have much time to devote to figuring it all out. I decided that while I couldn't learn everything as fast as I wanted, I could do a little bit at a time. I set aside an hour a week to do a photo shoot, and put books on hold at the library and read when I had spare time. I did about one shoot a week until Katie was born, and then averaged one or two a month for the rest of the year. It wasn’t a lot, but it was enough -- I know I'm not the most amazing photographer (yet), but I'm improving, I know my camera pretty well, and I'm able to capture some lovely images. And I haven't neglected my more important responsibilities to pursue this goal.

(my friend Natalie's little one -- we took a few photos after the mother's group discussion)

In our instant-gratification world, it's hard to be patient with our progress sometimes. It's easy to feel that we'll never have enough time to do it all -- and we won't! But we can fit in more than we realize, if we're willing to be patient. My friend Courtney pointed out that she fits a lot into her life -- from baking bread to raising four little kids -- but most of the things she's doing now she added a little at a time over the course of years. She said that she's amazed at how much more she's able to do now than even three years ago.



* Don’t compare. One of the keys to finding contentment with our lives and staying in balance is to understand that our situations are different from those around us. In this age of Facebook and blogs, it's easy to see all the good things other people are doing with their lives. But usually? It's only the good things you are seeing. As my sister-in-law Diane put it, "It's like the never-ending Christmas letter!" Most people blog or Facebook their triumphs, not their despair and discouragement. If we can recognize that, we can cheer on others without worrying about the ways our own lives seem to fall short.



The key word is "seem." Everyone else fits more into their lives, we think. They go on more vacations, spend more time doing wonderful activities with their kids, make cool birthday cakes, sew matching clothes, make their own chocolates, throw amazing parties, raise cuter kids, help in more causes, decorate their house better, have cooler friends, a cleaner house, better-looking hair, more amazing talents, and so on.



What we don't realize is that we make assumptions based on a tiny slice of someone's life. My friend Lindsay pointed out that she does make matching outfits for her girls -- about once a year, for pictures -- and that she does make cute birthday cakes -- three times a year. It doesn't consume her whole life. And yet, with things like that, we make automatic assumptions. "She's always doing this or that," we think, "I'm not good enough."



We're also much harder on ourselves than we are on others. We fail to recognize the things we do that are amazing and wonderful. We almost always compare to people who are better at a skill than we are. I discount my photography skills, for instance, because I follow some amazing photography blogs and I see stunning work that outshines my own. And yet, at the same time, if I were to have seen someone last year at the level I'm at now, I would have been impressed.



We also have different talents and abilities. Tiffany is one of my friends who has an amazing cooking talent. She's lived in Sweden, in Israel, and in New York and she's embraced the foods of each place. She creates wonderful meals and enjoys doing it. By contrast, I'm just an okay cook. It would be easy to think, "If I just had more time, I'd be better at this too," but it's not true. If I had more time, I probably wouldn't spend much of it on improving my cooking ability. I'd spend it on something I enjoy more.



We can't develop every hobby. We can't scrapbook, run, paint, craft, cook, blog, read, write, sew, create, plan, organize, and so on, or we'd be neglecting the more important responsibilities in our lives. Sometimes, we have to realize, "that's not for me," or even "that's not for me at this stage in my life." I think a few focused hobbies are easier to keep in balance than trying to do a little of everything.



We're also at different stages of life with different responsibilities. The balance in my life with eight kids and a busy husband will look different than the balance in someone else's life. I'm tempted sometimes to think I must have the least amount of time for extras, and while that's true in some cases, in others, it's not. I have friends who deal with chronic illness, for example, and their balance has to include diminished energy. I know of others who deal with handicapped children or heavy Church responsibilities that keep them much busier than eight kids would.



Comparing is such a insidious habit. Sometimes when we start comparing, it moves on to criticism. We might feel jealous and start to tell ourselves, "Well, she's probably neglecting her kids in order to do that," or something similar.



I'm trying to teach my children that they are not competing with each other. I love that Lillian plays the violin, Joey takes electronics apart, Michael is a comic, Allison is adventurous, Sarah is artistic, Eliza does complex puzzles, Harmony loves books, and Katie is goofy. I wouldn't expect or want my kids all to be the same, nor would I put one of them down because they do things differently than another.



Can't we be happy for other people's talents and achievements without worrying about whether our own are good enough? I love this quote from Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin:

Let me cite a hypothetical example of a dear sister in any ward, the one who has perfect children who never cause a disturbance in church. She is the one working on her 20th generation in her family history, keeps an immaculate home, has memorized the book of Mark, and makes wool sweaters for the orphaned children in Romania. No disrespect, of course, intended for any of these worthy goals. Now, when you get tempted to throw your hands in the air and give up because of this dear sister, please remember you’re not competing with her any more than I’m competing with the members of the Quorum of the Twelve in winning a 50-yard dash.

* Be Grateful. When I focus on my blessings and what I'm able to fit into my full and busy life, I feel content. When I start adding up what I'm not doing or what I wish I could be doing, that's when frustration and discouragement set in.





Finding balance in life is a challenge in this modern, fast-paced world, but it is possible.





Now that I've completed the three parts to the discussion, what do you have to add? How do you find balance? How do you keep from comparing yourself to others or being impatient? What have you had to cut out of your life? What have you kept in and why?

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Finding Balance, Part 2: Time Management

Last Friday, I posted part one of our Mother's Group discussion on Finding Balance. Today, I'll continue the topic with part two, Time Management. Because there is so much on this topic, I'll be posting part three later in the week.

As part of this, I'd love to hear your ideas, so I'll be including some questions at the end of each section. Feel free to answer one, all, or none in the comments.

* There needs to be a balance between being recognizing your limits and being diligent. I pointed out that there are two parts to this scripture: "And see that all these things are done in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength. And again, it is expedient that he should be diligent, that thereby he might win the prize; therefore, all things must be done in order."

On the one hand, we all need to learn to say no, even to wonderful and good things (okay, usually to wonderful and good things), so that we have time for more important things. We can't do everything all at once, and it is foolish to try.

On the other hand, it's important to be diligent -- to try to be better than we were the day before, to constantly strive to learn and improve.

Only you can discern in your life between the things that need to be done even though they require sacrifice, and the things that need to be put aside. It's tough sometimes, but I think it's meant to be. By making these tough choices, we show our character and priorities.

What have you done to recognize the balance here? What things have you had to say no to and what have you said yes to?

* You can't be 100% during every shift. Julie Beck suggested in a Women's Conference address last year that young mothers are often called to work all three shifts:

In order to prioritize time wisely, I learned something from my father-in-law years ago. He was a steel-worker and spent his life working three different shifts. He either worked the day shift, the afternoon shift, or the night shift. As a young mother I realized one time that I was working all three shifts, and that’s why I was so tired. We can’t do all things all at once, and we have to be careful and safeguard our shifts.

As I have talked to young mothers and mothers with children at home—those with teenagers and young adults especially—they tell me that their most important shift to be at the top of their game, to be the strongest lioness at the gate is the “swing shift.” That’s the afternoon shift. That’s when everyone comes home hungry, tired, needy, and less lovable. It is when you are hungry, tired, needy, and less loveable. It is also the time of day when people are more teachable, when they are most grateful. When we realize and prioritize our time properly, we don’t expect to use all of our strength on the other two shifts so that the afternoon shift can be safeguarded and can be a time of strength and power. We plan for times when the meals are there together, when we can create that home environment and when that family can gather, and you are the strengthening power and force in that family. Remember that influence and power come when we prioritize correctly. If you spend time elsewhere, you don’t have it to give. For other women it might be another time of the day. Some of us have to be on call during the day shift. There are many who need help during the day. Service is needed during the day, but look at and evaluate your life. Ask “Where do I need to prioritize my time?” and “When do I have to be at the top of my game?” I have learned that a good woman with the help of the Lord can usually work two to two and a half shifts. However, no one can work all three shifts. You have to prioritize where you are going to spend your energy.

I work three shifts and I have for many years because of my little ones (none of my babies sleep through the night until about 10 months old). My most important shift is between 3 and 8, when all my kids are home. I've had to make some choices to prioritize this time and not allow it to be taken over by exhaustion or unimportant events. One thing I do is that I (almost) never schedule anything between 12 and 3 in the afternoon. That is the time I have my kids do quiet activities or take naps. When possible, I try to sleep then and when impossible, I do other restful things, like reading or blogging. I don't grocery shop, run errands, or do housework during this time. I need the quiet and rest so I can work that "afternoon swing shift."

What shifts are you working in your life? Which one is the most important and what are you doing to make sure you are at the top of your game during that time?

* Along with that idea, you need to create some boundaries to protect your time. It's okay to schedule things around your circumstances. For instance, I have learned that in order for me to get through my in-box, respond to emails, and prepare for my week, I need to leave Monday mornings completely free. I don't schedule doctor's or orthodontist appointments for that time, and when Eliza's dance class was moved from Wednesdays to Mondays, we dropped it from our schedule.

* Leave some margins in your life. This is an idea that has been discussed a few places recently because of a new book called Margin.

I haven't read the book yet, but I really resonate with the idea that we need to leave some time uncommitted.

We need empty space in our lives, some uncommitted time for two reasons. The first is that we need time to think and ponder and receive inspiration and answers to our prayers. If we are too busy to experience the calm of God's Spirit, then we miss out on an essential part of our mortal lives.

The second is that there are always unexpected things in life. If we've filled every moment, then these unexpected events send us into overload. As mothers, we know how often even the mundane unexpected things can overwhelm us -- a child who is sick, a car or appliance that needs repair, a few too many appointments in a week, a neighbor in need. If we have some time uncommitted, then we have some space to help our neighbor, spend a day rocking the child with the ear infection, schedule that car repair, or do the other urgent things that come up.

Are the margins in your life wide enough? Do you have enough space to breathe? What do you do to keep from commitments overloading you?


* Learn to prepare in advance. You can do a lot in your life, but don't leave things to the last minute. Preparing in advance saves time. For example, when I prepare for my turn to teach preschool a week in advance, then I know what supplies I'm lacking. I can easily pick up a couple of books while I'm at the library that week and I can add some craft supply to my list for grocery shopping. In contrast, if I wait until the night before to prepare (and yes, I do that sometimes), then I have to scramble around and either throw in a trip to the store or library or just make do with what I have at home.

Two weeks ago, I had a very busy week. I taught a class on Organizing Your Life's Story for a Relief Society activity, I taught preschool, and I was going to lead our Mother's Group discussion (but had to push it back a week because my kids got sick). In the midst of the busy week, I was asked to speak in Sacrament meeting (we Mormons take turns teaching and leading in our Church; there are no paid clergy) on Sunday. I didn't hesitate to say yes, even with everything else on my plate. Why? Because I'd already prepared for everything that week. I prepped most of the Relief Society presentation a month in advance, I had my notes outlined for the Mother's Group a week ahead of time, and I prepped for preschool the day before. I had extra time that week, even though it was full.

Some things come up once in a while or as extras. Other things we do over and over again. Some organization and preparation saves time here too. A few examples:

* My husband and I meet every Sunday night to discuss our kids, parenting, short and long-term plans, and other items. I prepared an agenda for us, printed it up multiple copies in a binder, and now we are much better at getting through all of our discussion items.

* Eliza started a preschool twice a week in January. Every couple of days, she is supposed to bring a picture to illustrate the new letter they are working on. I put the
days and what she was supposed to bring on my calendar, but even so, I kept forgetting and felt bad about letting her down. When I got February's calendar, I sat down with Eliza and we picked out a picture for J, K, and L right then. I put it in a little folder in her backpack, and now I don't have to worry about it the entire month.

* Our family cleans the house every Saturday for Family Work Day. Rather than spend time every Saturday writing out what needs to be done, I made a master list last fall, printed a bunch of copies, and now we pull that out to work from each week.

* When I was the Primary chorister, in charge of teaching about 8 new songs to kids ages 3 to 12 in our ward, I prepared a plan for the whole year in February. I had a schedule of what songs we'd sing for opening, closing, and which songs I'd focus on during teaching. I also prepared a binder with materials for several different games we could play to learn the songs, and I tried to find artwork to illustrate the words for each. It took a lot of my time for a couple of weeks, but you know what? The rest of the year was pretty easy. I never had to scramble to decide what we were singing. My responsibility only took me a few minutes of prep time each week from then on.

What do you do to prepare for things in advance? What ways could you organize and prepare for the regular things in your life?

* Having routines and organization doesn't mean giving up spontaneity, it means allowing more time for it. If you have a regular time to run errands and stay on top of things, for example, you save a lot of time in constantly having to run to the store to get milk or eggs or a science fair poster. If your housework is scheduled and organized, you're not feeling guilty about neglecting it when you're playing with your kids or rushing out to a fun last-minute activity.

* Watch for activities that fill multiple functions. Like a good soup or a great stir-fry, some activities fill more than one need in our lives. My friend Amy is our ward's Primary President (in charge of helping kids ages 18 months to 11), and says that most of her time is spent either with that responsibility or with her family. However, a lot of the things she does for Primary also fill other needs. She fills her social needs as she meets with her presidency. Preparing for a sharing time works as her scripture study some days. She also tries to do housework and other activities with her kids. They help her sort laundry, so that task becomes not just "housework" but also "nurturing kids."

In my life, I have many things that fit this category. I'm taking an occasional cooking class with my daughter Lillian, filling my need to spend time with her and also my need to improve my cooking skills. Photography fills my needs in many ways -- I get a creative outlet, a chance to serve others, and time with my son Joey, who likes to go along on my shoots.

Perhaps with some creativity, some of the needs you are lacking in your life could be met at the same time. Maybe you could find an exercise partner and get physical activity and social stimulation at the same time. Perhaps you and your husband could take a class together, improving your marriage and your mind at the same time.

What are some things in your life that fill several purposes at once?

I hope you enjoyed some of these ideas and find them useful. I'll finish up with part three, patience and contentment, soon.

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Finding Balance, Part 1: Priorities

Our Mother's Group discussion this month was on Finding Balance in all of Life's Responsibilities. I led the discussion, and I will share a few of the things we talked about in three posts, Part 1: Priorities, Part 2: Time Management, and Part 3: Patience and Contentment.

The Myth of the Balanced Life

There is a strong myth circulating in the world today on the subject of balance. The idea is this: You can do it all, as long as you have balance!

The truth is this: there will never be enough time to do everything you want. Finding balance is more about prioritizing and managing your time well than it is about fitting it all in.

Finding balance in life is in many ways like finding balance in your diet. Life is like an enormous buffet with endless choices, offering you thousands of ways to fill your time.

Trying to do it all is like trying to eat everything in this picture in one meal:

Rather than finding balance by trying to do it all, we need to be wise about what we put on our plates and how we prioritize. Good sense and good choices are required! You can't survive for long on just desserts, and you can’t fit everything on your plate, no matter how tempting all the offerings are.

Julie Beck, Relief Society General President, put it this way:

“A good woman knows that she does not have enough time, energy, or opportunity to take care of all of the people or do all of the worthy things her heart yearns to do. Life is not calm for most women, and each day seems to require the accomplishment of a million things, most of which are important. A good woman must constantly resist alluring and deceptive messages from many sources telling her that she is entitled to more time away from her responsibilities and that she deserves a life of greater ease and independence. But with personal revelation, she can prioritize correctly and navigate this life confidently.” – Julie B. Beck, April 2010

Each of us is limited in time, talents, and resources. In order to make the most important things happen, we have to say no to other worthy and wonderful activities.

In a Women's Conference Address, Julie Beck emphasized three different categories of things that fill our time: essential things, necessary things, and nice-to-do things. Comparing this to finding balance in our diet, I suggest the following divisions:

1. Essentials: These are like fruits and vegetables. It's easy to leave them out of our diets, but without them, we are missing essential nutrients. Most essential things -- prayer, scripture study, family home evening, etc -- don't take a large amount of time and yet they are so important to put first in our lives. The First Presidency in my Church has said, “We counsel parents and children to give highest priority to family prayer, family home evening, gospel study and instruction, and wholesome family activities. However worthy and appropriate other demands or activities may be, they must not be permitted to displace the divinely-appointed duties that only parents and families can adequately perform”

2. Necessaries: These fit into our lives like the main course and significant side dishes. These are the things we have to do because it's part of our job description, like laundry and cooking and keeping a clean home, paying bills, taking care of kids, and so on.

3. Nice to Have: This is the all-important dessert category. This might include hobbies or lunch with friends or other activities that are fun and enjoyable. I pointed out today that in some ways, the analogy might break down here if you are a strict nutritionist who believes dessert has no place in your diet. But since I'm not, I'm suggesting that dessert is a wonderful part of a balanced diet. We need to have creative outlets and enjoyable social experiences in order to feed ourselves as well as our families.

Some of the other discussion items:

* I took a nutrition class in college and part of it focused on children's nutrition. One point I remember was that in looking at a child's nutrition, it's more important to look at the balance in their diet over a week or a month rather than a day or a meal. Children go on food jags and might eat just grapes for an entire day, but as long as the next day they drink milk and another day they eat sandwiches, it all averages out. Our own balance will be found in the same way -- one day our kids might need us a lot, another day we might spend most of our time on a project or a hobby, and another day our messy house might call us to spend more time on housework. What might look out of balance in a day will often average out over the course of time.

* One of the problems with worldly philosophies today is that the solutions they offer to the problems in our lives seems to always be, "Take more time for yourself!" Pamper yourself, get away, go to a spa, relax, do things for yourself, etc. In other words, "What you need is more dessert!" While this may be true in some cases, often what we are lacking in our lives isn't more fun times. If we are lacking essential nutrients that only fruits and vegetables can provide, then more dessert won't do anything but make us feel stuffed and empty at the same time.

My friend Rachel L. pointed out that it's like eating cheesecake -- one slice is wonderful, a whole cake just makes you feel rotten.

* It's important to leave some empty space on our plates, both because things come up that we don't anticipate and because we need time that is not committed to anything. If we've scheduled ourselves so much that there's no room for the unexpected -- a neighbor in need, a child who's sick, or an unexpected opportunity -- then we are stretching ourselves too thin and will miss out on important things.

We also need quiet times in our lives because it leaves time for revelation, for time to think and ponder over things we are worried about and receive answers.

* Some things have to be done even if you hate to do them. Schedule them in or there will always be something else that “comes up” and they won’t happen. For me, I have to tackle housework and my kitchen cleaning early in the day so I can be free to work on other priorities later on. One woman pointed out that there's a book called Eat That Frog, which comes from a line from Mark Twain: “Eat a live frog every morning, and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.” If you knew you had to eat a live frog today, wouldn't it be best to do it first and get it out of the way? If you didn't, you'd spend the day dreading it and it would spoil the good parts of your life.
We had a great discussion and I learned much from some amazing mothers this morning. I'll post more about the other half of the discussion early next week.

In the meantime, what have you made a priority in your life? What are your thoughts on finding balance?

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Teaching Children Responsibility ~ Notes from Mother's Guild Meeting

We had the privilege of having a wonderful empty-nester lead the discussion for our mother's group this week. Mary Hall brought two of her daughters along and we got to hear from all three of them about their ideas about teaching children responsibility.

When I asked Mary to lead, I had in mind the "teaching work" part of responsibility and expected to hear lots of ideas about chore charts, chores, and the like. I was pleased to hear instead many ideas I'd never considered that were an important part of teaching children responsibility.

Here are a few of the points that stood out to me:

* Mary opened with this quote from President James E. Faust: "In my opinion, the teaching, rearing, and training of children requires more intelligence, intuitive understanding, humility, strength, wisdom, spirituality, perseverance, and hard work than any other challenge we might have in life."

* Teaching children responsibility ideally requires both a father and a mother working in partnership. "Nothing compares with a father who is responsible and in turn teaches his children responsibility. Nothing compares with a mother who is present with them to comfort them and give them assurance." (by President Boyd K. Packer)

* Mary Hall's family would use different chore charts each Saturday to teach work. At the bottom she would include different activities they could do together to celebrate finishing -- things like going to the library, riding bikes, or making brownies. Her grown children remembered that being an effective way to teach responsibility.

* Mary encouraged us to recognize and thank our children for the help they give the family.

* It's important to let our children feel responsible for their choices and allow them to experience the consequences. When one of Mary's grandsons comes home from school after having experienced a consequence, she listens compassionately and is encouraging. Mary shared another story where a grandson was riding his bike on a camping trip. The path was rough and gravelly and his mother wanted him to wear a helmet. He insisted he wouldn't crash and agreed that if he did so, his bike would be put in time out. Sure enough, a little bit later, his bike did fall over and he scraped his legs. His grandma was with him, but he didn't even let out a whimper. He just picked his bike right back up and kept riding. It was a great way to let him learn from his choices.

* One mom shared a story of trying to constantly keep her young child out of some water when they were on an outing. Finally, she decided that since the water wasn't deep enough to be a real danger, she would simply warn her daughter and let her experience the consequences of not listening when she fell in a bit later. It was a way to safely let her daughter understand the need to listen to her mother.

* We need to let children experience the effects of their choices when they're young because as they get older, the stakes are higher and the need to choose well is much more important. One mother suggested that sometimes it's better to have kids be really challenging when they're young because they learn more quickly and then are easier when they're older.

* One of Mary's daughters is the mother of four teenagers. She shared how they've handled the internet at their house. They use Safari as their browser and it allows them to set helpful controls, such as only allowing the internet to be used during homework time and filtering out questionable images.

* Teach children how to repent and listen to the still, small voice of the Holy Ghost.

* We need to teach our children in positive ways about human intimacy and modesty. More than a few of us mentioned that we had received very little teaching about the subject in our homes. It was wonderful to hear from Mary Hall's grown children about the training they'd received. Mary was a nurse so she was able to teach her children in appropriate, respectful terms about the way the body works and kept an open dialogue with them.

* One mother said that in preparation for a recent discussion with two of her children about the subject, they watched some videos of when the two of them were born. It brought the Spirit in and they felt the beauty of life and its sacredness and it was a special way to introduce the importance of guarding the powers of creation that God has entrusted to us.

* We can start when our children are young to teach modesty and respect for our bodies and let them know that there are private parts of their bodies that other people shouldn't touch.

* Four suggestions Mary gave for teaching children: 1. Reading the Book of Mormon together daily teaches about the wise use of agency and the consequences of it. 2. Tell your children the stories of Jesus. 3. Family Prayer should happen morning and night. 4. One-on-one interviews with each child.

* On Sunday evenings when Mary's children were young, they would put the kids to bed and then Mary would sit down and consider each child. She would think through what they needed to learn physically, what they were doing well at, what challenges she was having with them and what she could do to help each one. She said that there were no computers back then to turn to for answers so it was easier for her to turn to the ultimate source of help, our Heavenly Father. He knows our children and wants to help us help them.

* We have what we need in the gospel to teach our children. We can count on the Lord's help and inspiration as we look to the many different sources of help in teaching our children.


Mary suggested a few additional sources for reading about this subject:
* Reward Them and Teach Responsibility (talk by Eugene Mead)
* A book by Brad Wilcox called Growing Up is a great resource for teaching children about human intimacy.
* Teaching Gospel Principles to Children Part 1 and Part 2 from the Marriage and Family Relations Manual.
* A Parent's Guide

What ideas do you have for teaching children responsibility?

If you were at the meeting, what points did I miss?

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Improving Marriages ~ Notes from our Mother's Guild Meeting

We had a great meeting today of the Amazing Mother's Guild (now in its second year -- if you live near me and want an invitation, let me know and I'll add you to my email list).

I am loving the chance to learn something from the great women around me. We invited Kay Hatch, an older woman in my neighborhood, to share with us her ideas on improving marriages.

We started with a short spotlight on a general conference talk by Julie B. Beck. So many great thoughts were shared that are so relevant to our lives. I especially liked this quote from Eliza R. Snow that was used in the talk:

"Women should be women and not babies that need petting and correction all the time. I know we like to be appreciated but if we do not get all the appreciation which we think is our due, what matters? We know the Lord has laid high responsibility upon us, and there is not a wish or desire that the Lord has implanted in our hearts in righteousness but will be realized, and the greatest good we can do to ourselves and each other is to refine and cultivate ourselves in everything that is good and ennobling to qualify us for those responsibilities.”⁸

The girl doing the spotlight said that she realized when reading that that she could do more for herself. Instead of waiting for her busy husband to get to all the repairs or things that needed to happen around her home, she told herself, "I can do something about this." She called repairmen or figured out the problems by herself and got them done.

Later, I said I needed that message because sometimes I get so frustrated with taking care of everyone else and I start to feel sorry for myself. "Who's going to take care of me?" I think. It's good to remember that I'm not a baby. I am a woman, capable, strong, and smart.

After our spotlight, Kay Hatch led the main discussion. She is one of my favorite people in the world. She's always positive and saying kind things to others and it's always a joy to be with her. Her husband is a wonderful man too and it was great to get a glimpse inside a long-lasting, successful marriage.

Some thoughts and ideas that were shared:

* Every marriage requires adjustment and compromise.

* You can't change your spouse. You can only change yourself. Kay Hatch says that when she got married she discovered her husband loved sports, while she barely even knew what a ball was. She wanted her family more focused on music and theater, and she said, "I really thought I could change him. I learned that didn't work." She spent many years at the bleachers with little kids (she raised five sons). Interestingly, her children learned from both parents. Her oldest son is a concert pianist. The other four are very good at sports.

* We mothers and wives set the tone in our home. We can put up beautiful and inspiring pictures and listen to lovely music. She's always listening to what she calls "romantic" music at her house and said that often repairmen who come there to work will comment on what beautiful music it is.

* "Love them" into doing the things you want them to do.

* Be grateful for the good things your husband does. Kay Hatch suggested making two lists, the positive and the negative, then taking a match and burning up the negative list.

* Don't compare your husband to other men. Be aware of and encouraging of his good points and patient with his faults. We laughingly decided that we should all make a list of the good things each other's husbands do because it's so easy to notice things going well in another person's marriage and miss the ones going well in your own. (For example, my husband takes our kids on trips alone. Before you think our marriage is perfect, however, I could point out that he doesn't mow the lawn, pull weeds, or do the yardwork. That's my responsiblity in our marriage. There's a lot of give and take in any relationship).

* The importance of affectionate touch.

* Men want to be admired. Let them know you love them and admire the work they do.

* One woman shared that we sometimes miss the romantic man our husband was during courtship. It's helpful to remember that most men are task-oriented people. During courtship, the task was to woo and court. Once they've married, many men see the new task as providing for their families so they put their focus there.

Along those lines, one woman shared how she was so touched by this video when she saw it online (you'll have to click on it to see it full-screen; I don't know how to shrink it).



She showed it to her husband who said, "That's the stupidest thing I've ever seen." We all laughed and got a kick out of that, but doesn't that just illustrate the differences between men and women and the challenge we have becoming unified in a vision for our marriages and homes?

* The importance of keeping a home neat and orderly. It makes a difference. I said that it helps me sometimes to realize that my husband has to do a lot of things in the course of his job that he doesn't enjoy. If he's willing to do all that to provide for our family, can't I take on the task of the housework without complaining?

* One friend said that she notices that when she's the most critical of her husband and all the things he's not doing, it's usually at the time of greatest stress in her life and that it's the stress at the root of the problem, not her husband. When she's less stressed, the same things just don't bother her.

* When we are concerned about improving our marriages or about choices our husbands are making that aren't good, we can increase our prayers and attend the temple seeking those things we desire. God knows us and will help us find solutions, peace, and hope.

* Pornography is a huge problem in many marriages. Some suggestions for how to avoid it were to put the computer in a main living area, to have filters and passwords and to just be aware of the danger. For those who are addicted, it is important to seek outside help and not expect that things will get better without it. Kay Hatch knows some missionaries who work with the Church's Addiction Recovery Program and they say the success rate is very high.

* It is silly to expect our husbands to meet our every need. "When I expect him to take care of my every need, I forget that's what Heavenly Father is for. I can't expect my husband to stand in for Heavenly Father." said one woman.

* Remember what a blessing it is to be married and have children. One mother in our group married at age 31 and shared that she is determined to keep her marriage strong because she knows what a blessing it is. "Being single is really hard. There's good things about it, but it's also lonely." Another girl shared that once she was complaining about her husband to an older woman in her ward who's never been married. "Oh, stop it," the woman gently told her, "don't you know how blessed you are?"

***
I know I missed some of the ideas that were shared -- does anyone who attended want to fill in the gaps?

What do you do to make your marriage a priority? What qualities are you grateful for in your husband?

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Marriage Improvement Ideas

For our mother's group this morning, we invited an older woman, Lois Jarmon, to lead a discussion on strengthening marriages. Lois is one of those women who just glows and I was inspired by the ideas she brought and the things she discussed. I love being able to learn from women who are further along in life than I am. She's been married 57 years (I think that's what she said) and her husband is also wonderful.

From my memory, here are the things she discussed:

* Find things that you enjoy doing together as a couple. For her and her husband, they loved music and tennis. Her husband played basketball for BYU and she enjoyed attending his games. They sang a lot during their courtship, because she was taking piano lessons and he'd meet her at her practice room. They continued singing as a family every Sunday together and even today when the family gathers, they sing. She brought copies of their two favorite songs, Desert Pete and Let's Go Fly a Kite.

* Pray together morning and night.

* Make Family Dinner Time a priority. They would make sure the kids were home to eat together and they'd have lots of conversation, whether about what the kids were learning at school or about current events. As her children have grown up, they've continued to have family dinners, only now its on Sunday nights. Instead of having all 4 of the 6 kids who live nearby over all at once, they decided it was better to have more individual time with each family, so each family has one Sunday a month that they come over for dinner. They eat and sing Desert Pete and enjoy each other.

* Family Home Evening should be a priority. They had charts they used for assignments. Every three months, her husband would take a night and interview each child individually. Once a month they'd have a family council and discuss their budget and get the kids on board for the things they were saving for.

* Lois Jarmon said she asked her husband what had helped their marriage the most and he told her that she had always been very positive about the things that bothered her. When she had a problem or something that offended her, she wouldn't let it fester, but would approach him lovingly and positively about it and work it out. He never felt criticized. She said she used the same approach with her children. She tried always to use positive statements rather than negative ones -- instead of "Don't do that," she'd try to say, "I would like it if you would . . . "

* Pray about your concerns for your children and the decisions you make as a family.

I loved listening to Lois Jarmon talk about her life and family and I was impressed with both the simplicity of her advice and how profound it was. I felt inspired to make some changes in our family and marriage as a result of what she said. I realized I need to be more positive and less critical and that my husband and I need to get back to doing our nightly meetings. I also need to make more of an effort to jumpstart conversation at dinner. We eat together every night, but no one talks much.

What have you done to make your marriage a priority? What do you and your husband like to do together?

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What I'm up to . . .

I'm starting a fun group -- The Amazing Mother's Guild. First meeting is next Friday morning at my house. If you live nearby and want to come, just let me know and I'll send you an invite with the address.

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