Talking to Yourself

Last year, with the help of Weight Watchers and running, I lost 35 pounds. I was on track to lose the last 25 when I found out I was pregnant and it was time to put that goal on hold for a while.

I gained 30 pounds during pregnancy, which means that even at the end of that pregnancy, I weighed less than I had a year before.
Two weeks after Cami's birth, I found I had 14 pounds to lose to get back to where I was last summer.
I lost ten pounds in March and five pounds so far in April, leaving me looking like this:
Wow, it feels great to be making so much progress!

But at the same time, this process is discouraging and overwhelming. I've had to fight stress and sleep-deprivation and ravenous, irrational hunger for every pound. Some weeks, the scale hasn't moved much despite my best efforts. Fitting in the running hasn't been easy.

But I've learned something in the process and it is this: Be careful what you say when you talk to yourself. I've had to consciously change my thoughts.

Instead of "Only ten pounds down. You've still got thirty to go. I don't know if you can keep it up that long," I've tried to say, "Ten pounds is awesome! You're one-fourth of the way there!"

Instead of "You barely lost anything this week. A half pound a week? At that rate, it will take you SIXTY weeks to lose all that extra weight. Might as well give up now." I've tried to say, "You'll do better next week. A half pound is a half pound gone and at least the scale is moving in the right direction."

Instead of "You're slowing down this month. All that work the last two weeks and you're only barely back to where you were last summer. Can you really keep this up for however long it takes?" I've tried to say, "Now, you're one-third of the way there. Look how all your smallest clothes fit you again! You didn't get very long to enjoy this size last summer, so celebrate it now. Best of all, any weight you lose from this point on is a brand-new low for you."

I still find those negative thoughts creeping in, but deliberately changing them has helped me be patient.

This morning, I saw a new number on the scale -- one I haven't seen in a decade. And hey, aren't I looking great?

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Finding Balance, Part 3: Patience and Contentment

Today, I'll finish up the discussion on Finding Balance by addressing two final elements to a balanced life: patience and contentment. (See part one and part two of this discussion.)



* Be Patient. We started our discussion last week by writing down all the things we are doing, want to be doing, or should be doing with our lives. I do this exercise every so often as I try to find the right balance in my own life. It can be discouraging to look at a huge list and realize all the things you're not doing or can't do because of the many other good things that fill your time.



That's why it's important to be patient. Wilford Woodruff counseled, “Do not be discouraged because you cannot learn all at once; learn one thing at a time, learn it well, and treasure it up, then learn another truth and treasure that up, and in a few years you will have a great store of useful knowledge which will not only be a great blessing to yourselves and your children, but to your fellow men” (The Discourses of Wilford Woodruff, sel. G. Homer Durham [1946], 269).



One of the reasons New Year's Resolutions often fail is that too many of us try to change everything all at once. We try to exercise, stop criticizing, wake up early, learn a new hobby, and get out of debt all at the same time. After a few weeks, our brains are tired and we start to give up.



Instead of changing everything all at once, try focusing on a few things at a time. Perhaps you want to spend three months working on being more consistent with housework. After that, you could spend a few months focusing on learning how to use your camera better or being a better cook, and so on.



We also need to keep in mind that progress is not a continuous climb. Often, we take two steps forward and one step back. We try to incorporate many new habits and then just a few tend to stick. We do really well one day and have trouble the next. This a normal part of life, and one of the reasons patience is so important.



* Tiny Bites here and there add up.

Last January, I’d had my new camera for two months and I still didn’t know how to use it. I was overwhelmed by all the buttons and dials and had no clue what an F-stop was. I was discouraged that I wasn't making any progress, but I didn't have much time to devote to figuring it all out. I decided that while I couldn't learn everything as fast as I wanted, I could do a little bit at a time. I set aside an hour a week to do a photo shoot, and put books on hold at the library and read when I had spare time. I did about one shoot a week until Katie was born, and then averaged one or two a month for the rest of the year. It wasn’t a lot, but it was enough -- I know I'm not the most amazing photographer (yet), but I'm improving, I know my camera pretty well, and I'm able to capture some lovely images. And I haven't neglected my more important responsibilities to pursue this goal.

(my friend Natalie's little one -- we took a few photos after the mother's group discussion)

In our instant-gratification world, it's hard to be patient with our progress sometimes. It's easy to feel that we'll never have enough time to do it all -- and we won't! But we can fit in more than we realize, if we're willing to be patient. My friend Courtney pointed out that she fits a lot into her life -- from baking bread to raising four little kids -- but most of the things she's doing now she added a little at a time over the course of years. She said that she's amazed at how much more she's able to do now than even three years ago.



* Don’t compare. One of the keys to finding contentment with our lives and staying in balance is to understand that our situations are different from those around us. In this age of Facebook and blogs, it's easy to see all the good things other people are doing with their lives. But usually? It's only the good things you are seeing. As my sister-in-law Diane put it, "It's like the never-ending Christmas letter!" Most people blog or Facebook their triumphs, not their despair and discouragement. If we can recognize that, we can cheer on others without worrying about the ways our own lives seem to fall short.



The key word is "seem." Everyone else fits more into their lives, we think. They go on more vacations, spend more time doing wonderful activities with their kids, make cool birthday cakes, sew matching clothes, make their own chocolates, throw amazing parties, raise cuter kids, help in more causes, decorate their house better, have cooler friends, a cleaner house, better-looking hair, more amazing talents, and so on.



What we don't realize is that we make assumptions based on a tiny slice of someone's life. My friend Lindsay pointed out that she does make matching outfits for her girls -- about once a year, for pictures -- and that she does make cute birthday cakes -- three times a year. It doesn't consume her whole life. And yet, with things like that, we make automatic assumptions. "She's always doing this or that," we think, "I'm not good enough."



We're also much harder on ourselves than we are on others. We fail to recognize the things we do that are amazing and wonderful. We almost always compare to people who are better at a skill than we are. I discount my photography skills, for instance, because I follow some amazing photography blogs and I see stunning work that outshines my own. And yet, at the same time, if I were to have seen someone last year at the level I'm at now, I would have been impressed.



We also have different talents and abilities. Tiffany is one of my friends who has an amazing cooking talent. She's lived in Sweden, in Israel, and in New York and she's embraced the foods of each place. She creates wonderful meals and enjoys doing it. By contrast, I'm just an okay cook. It would be easy to think, "If I just had more time, I'd be better at this too," but it's not true. If I had more time, I probably wouldn't spend much of it on improving my cooking ability. I'd spend it on something I enjoy more.



We can't develop every hobby. We can't scrapbook, run, paint, craft, cook, blog, read, write, sew, create, plan, organize, and so on, or we'd be neglecting the more important responsibilities in our lives. Sometimes, we have to realize, "that's not for me," or even "that's not for me at this stage in my life." I think a few focused hobbies are easier to keep in balance than trying to do a little of everything.



We're also at different stages of life with different responsibilities. The balance in my life with eight kids and a busy husband will look different than the balance in someone else's life. I'm tempted sometimes to think I must have the least amount of time for extras, and while that's true in some cases, in others, it's not. I have friends who deal with chronic illness, for example, and their balance has to include diminished energy. I know of others who deal with handicapped children or heavy Church responsibilities that keep them much busier than eight kids would.



Comparing is such a insidious habit. Sometimes when we start comparing, it moves on to criticism. We might feel jealous and start to tell ourselves, "Well, she's probably neglecting her kids in order to do that," or something similar.



I'm trying to teach my children that they are not competing with each other. I love that Lillian plays the violin, Joey takes electronics apart, Michael is a comic, Allison is adventurous, Sarah is artistic, Eliza does complex puzzles, Harmony loves books, and Katie is goofy. I wouldn't expect or want my kids all to be the same, nor would I put one of them down because they do things differently than another.



Can't we be happy for other people's talents and achievements without worrying about whether our own are good enough? I love this quote from Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin:

Let me cite a hypothetical example of a dear sister in any ward, the one who has perfect children who never cause a disturbance in church. She is the one working on her 20th generation in her family history, keeps an immaculate home, has memorized the book of Mark, and makes wool sweaters for the orphaned children in Romania. No disrespect, of course, intended for any of these worthy goals. Now, when you get tempted to throw your hands in the air and give up because of this dear sister, please remember you’re not competing with her any more than I’m competing with the members of the Quorum of the Twelve in winning a 50-yard dash.

* Be Grateful. When I focus on my blessings and what I'm able to fit into my full and busy life, I feel content. When I start adding up what I'm not doing or what I wish I could be doing, that's when frustration and discouragement set in.





Finding balance in life is a challenge in this modern, fast-paced world, but it is possible.





Now that I've completed the three parts to the discussion, what do you have to add? How do you find balance? How do you keep from comparing yourself to others or being impatient? What have you had to cut out of your life? What have you kept in and why?

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Can't go over it, can't go under it, we have to go through it!

I'm tired of being pregnant. It's hard to get around. I'm uncomfortable, exhausted, easily irritated, and ready to be finished. I don't feel like doing anything but I still have a house to run, meals to cook, chores to do and supervise, children to nurture and read to and take places. It's tempting to just lie down until the baby comes, but, well, I can't -- you know, seven kids and everything!

I've often thought that life is like that book, "Going on a Bear Hunt." In it, the kids go on hunt for bears and encounter obstacle after obstacle. Each time they meet one, they say, "Can't go over it, can't go under it, we'll have to go through it." It's like that with life; so many times we don't get to choose the troubles and trials that come and often, there's no way around but through.

For Family Home Evening last night, patience was the subject of our lesson. I loved reading President Dieter Uchtdorf's talk on patience given at last conference and I drew from it for the lesson.

He begins like this:

In the 1960s, a professor at Stanford University began a modest experiment testing the willpower of four-year-old children. He placed before them a large marshmallow and then told them they could eat it right away or, if they waited for 15 minutes, they could have two marshmallows.

He then left the children alone and watched what happened behind a two-way mirror. Some of the children ate the marshmallow immediately; some could wait only a few minutes before giving in to temptation. Only 30 percent were able to wait.

It was a mildly interesting experiment, and the professor moved on to other areas of research, for, in his own words, “there are only so many things you can do with kids trying not to eat marshmallows.” But as time went on, he kept track of the children and began to notice an interesting correlation: the children who could not wait struggled later in life and had more behavioral problems, while those who waited tended to be more positive and better motivated, have higher grades and incomes, and have healthier relationships.

I put an M&M in front of each child and told them they could eat it if they wanted, or if they waited until later in the lesson, I would give them more M&Ms. Everyone was pretty good at waiting, except Harmony, who ate her own and then tried to eat everyone else's too. Then we discussed the talk, which includes wisdom like this:

Every one of us is called to wait in our own way. We wait for answers to prayers. We wait for things which at the time may appear so right and so good to us that we can’t possibly imagine why Heavenly Father would delay the answer.

One of the benefits of having a large family is that there are plenty of opportunities to wait and to learn patience. It's really easy to see that there are others whose needs are as important as your own, and part of growing and living just naturally includes considering others, taking turns, and yes, being asked to wait. It's one of the adjustments that comes when you have more than one child. I remember a day years ago when I was nursing my second child while simultaneously making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for my toddler. At the time, I congratulated myself on multi-tasking, but later, I realized that it was okay to have my toddler wait a few minutes for her sandwich; she wasn't going to resent me or her brother; it was going to build her character.

From the talk:

Impatience, on the other hand, is a symptom of selfishness. It is a trait of the self-absorbed. It arises from the all-too-prevalent condition called “center of the universe” syndrome, which leads people to believe that the world revolves around them and that all others are just supporting cast in the grand theater of mortality in which only they have the starring role.

My sister used to sing a song to her boys when they were being especially selfish: "Me, me, the world's about me," she'd tease as she tried to cajole them out of their greed. There are times I see my kids being selfish too, but by and large, they are good at sharing and accommodating. My three little girls, for instance, often get read three stories at bedtime, one chosen by each of them. They learn to wait their turn for their book and they learn to appreciate that others get to choose too.

I'd asked Joey earlier to share an experience where he learned patience. He talked about learning to read and how it took him a lot of time and effort, but by first grade, he was reading really well. President Uchtdorf shared an experience from when he was a refugee (he has an amazing life story) and trying to learn English, then he says:

From that experience, I learned that patience was far more than simply waiting for something to happen—patience required actively working toward worthwhile goals and not getting discouraged when results didn’t appear instantly or without effort.

There is an important concept here: patience is not passive resignation, nor is it failing to act because of our fears. Patience means active waiting and enduring. It means staying with something and doing all that we can—working, hoping, and exercising faith; bearing hardship with fortitude, even when the desires of our hearts are delayed. Patience is not simply enduring; it is enduring well!

I've been thinking a lot about patience lately, as I endure these last weeks of pregnancy and have had other opportunities to endure hard things. Last week, for instance, Harmony threw up for three days straight. She was cranky and tired and I spent hours each day holding her.

On Friday, when she finally started keeping food down, I was the one throwing up all day and feeling weak and sick. Ironically, it was also the day DH took the kids down to Southern Utah for an overnight adventure. All but Lillian and Harmony went, and I'd hoped to get some projects done. I didn't. Instead, I lay on the couch barely able move and tried to rest as much as possible. Though I would rather have been able to function, it was a great blessing to be sick on that day, when I really could take it easy and rest without the house falling to pieces and the kids demanding attention.

My kids had a great time visiting Moab. They hiked to Delicate Arch ("It was a really dangerous hike, and it never went straight" says Michael), visited a rock shop ("Daddy bought me fool's gold!" says Allison), went swimming ("I'm a good swimmer!" says Eliza), and went out to Denneys (Michael's favorite).


I'm thankful my husband's so willing to take our kids on adventures and that he loves to travel and spend time with them. In so many ways, I'm blessed. It makes that "enduring well" thing just a bit easier.

What experiences in your life have taught you patience?

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