Q&A Thursday: Managing Church with lots of Little Ones

Today's question come from a reader:

 I wondered if you had any advice on how you handle church and manage your bench with several little ones. I don't know if you've had the experience of doing it alone because of a husband's calling, but I'm in that boat. I'd love any advice or suggestions you have to offer.

While my kids are fairly good at Church right now (hoping that continues), it helps a lot that my older ones set a good example for the younger ones and can help entertain the younger ones.  I also am blessed to have my husband there to help me, where other moms' husbands are needed elsewhere.


I put the question to some other LDS moms of many and I got plenty of wonderful suggestions:

Christina (me):  I've found over the years that I prefer simplicity. I'll bring Cheerios only for if the baby gets restless. I bring notebooks and colored pencils (long ago learned that my kids have a compulsion to peel the wrappers off crayons if I bring them) and Friend magazines, but that's all. We don't get out anything until after the sacrament. We have an older couple in our neighborhood that are wonderful to welcome my younger girls to sit with them, but we don't let them go sit there until after the sacrament. Kids over 8 are expected to listen the entire meeting and not color (though I have an 11yo son who has an origami compulsion). When necessary, I take the younger restless ones out in the hall where I let them get some energy out. Unless they've been outrageous, I don't really put them in time-out or make the hall a punishment. So far, most of my kids learn how to behave pretty well over time.

  

all dressed and ready for Church

Marybeth:   I'm pretty similar, except when I take my kids out in the hall. I don't want the hall to be a fun place, so they do not get to run out in the hall. I hold them or make them sit and do nothing on the couch out in the hall. I want them to want to go back in to sacrament meeting, even if it is only to color. (I figure they will hear something!) The only other activity I bring is Tangrams (those geometric shapes with green triangles, blue diamonds, red, and yellow hexagons) that they can make their own designs on the bench or match up with the books that I have.

Diane:  I'm on the don't take entertainment boat. I bring pens and paper and that is all. I actually think it goes even better when I bring nothing and all they have to do is listen, read their scriptures or look at the hymnal. I only bring food if we don't have time for breakfast. I feel like food in church is too messy and too noisy. 

Katrina:   When our oldest was still around 1, our RS president gave a homemaking meeting about reverence with children. She basically said that our children will rise to the level of our expectation. If we allow them to run around in the halls when they misbehave, they will use that as an escape (because what 2 year old really wants to sit still when they could be running around). So we will bring something small to eat for anyone younger than nursery age, but no one else gets a snack. We have some picture books that I made (I got the template from a blog somewhere) with scripture stories and facts about the prophets and apostles. We bring those and the LDS scripture readers, and that is it. If we have to take our youngest out (he is almost 2), we hold him the entire time and have/help him fold his arms. It is NOT something fun for him because we want him to prefer to be in sacrament meeting. Sometimes if I know he is tired and needs to sleep, I will try the mother's room to rock him and help him sleep, but usually there are too many mothers/children (as in 7, 5, and 3 years old whose mothers use the mothers room as a room to let their children play/talk), and I can't hear anything that is going on in the meeting. It is so refreshing to be in there with someone else who actually wants to hear the talks and will let me listen - but that is a rant for another day! 

Siobhan:  yep, all of the above. sit in the front, too. we sit third row back on whichever side the bishopric is on. no toys at all, church books for after the sacrament is passed. our 8yo and 9yo are expected to listen, but can write in journals or read their scriptures. no food once you're old enough for nursery because you'll get snacks in there. if you have to be taken out, you can stand with your nose on the wall till you're ready to go back in. no bathroom or drink breaks.

we watched a large family follow these rules before we had kids and we adopted them immediately for our now six kids. it's worked pretty well and i have to say we have the best behaved kids in our ward. they're certainly not perfect, but i think minimizing distractions and sitting close makes a world of difference. 

Andrya:  I prefer not to bring anything. Sometimes they bring pencils, pen in the scriptures and then they may write or draw on the program. I only brought snacks for toddlers or younger.My husband had a calling in the high council and I was on my for getting everyone ready and doing the whole church thing. My oldest was 11 at the time. We got down such a system that when my husband was actually around it threw us all off and I found I was irritated because he didn't know our system. lol. kind of. 

Montserrat:  We do the same! I don't bring anything extra except for scripture stories or Friend magazines so the nursery aged kids have something to look at. When I have to take a child out (usually it is just a nursery aged child) I hold them on my lap or take them to look at the pictures hanging in the hallway. The other kids know to behave when I am out (my husband is the Bishop). If they don't there are consequences! All of my kids are required to get a drink and use the bathroom before the meeting starts. I do not allow them to leave for those during sacrament meeting. Everyone can hold it for an hour. No one will die of thirst. Kids will rise to your expectations, especially when you discuss with them what you expect and why. Usually when a child is having a hard time it is either because they are hungry or tired. Try to take care of those needs before by planning ahead and it will so much easier.

Montserrat's family

Raelyn:  I am also for less is more. I no longer bring snacks to church- but have a sippy cup of milk for my nursery kid. We have friend magazines that kids can look through. I do have an ipad and iphone with some LDS games on it for the toddlers-but that sometimes backfires on me if I am not diligent on who has it.

Wendy:  My husband is the bishop in our ward. Before that he has had callings (bishopric and high council) that kept him from being in our bench with us. Even before he had callings that kept him from sitting with us and before we had a lot of kids, I was strict. People are always asking me how I keep my kids do reverent during church. They often do not like hearing what I have to say as it means they will have to actually parent their kids. OK, that is harsh, I know. But I get annoyed when people think it is a magical pill or something that will make their kids behave, instead of working hard at being a parent. Our kids are not allowed to use the bathroom or get a drink during sacrament. They know the rules and I do not feel sorry for them if they don't prepare beforehand. We sit in the 3rd or 4th bench from the stand. The less distractions in front of us, the better the kids can pay attention. They are not allowed to turn around. We have a seating arrangement with older siblings and me between younger kids. I don't let kids sit by siblings that they cannot be reverent near (for example, my 9 yo boy and my 11 yo boy do not ever sit together). No one is allowed to have treats past the age of 3 at church. And there are never toys, books, crayons, papers, etc. They have to sit quietly. It is their choice if they listen to the speaker. I try and be a good example by looking at the speaker attentively (even if it is a struggle for me), acting as if I am enthralled and could not imagine doing anything else more fun. They seem to do better when they see their parents doing what they are asked to do.
 
Aislinn:  Yes, we do like the rest of you. Snack only for the baby, church books/magazines/pictures for kids under 8, and expect over 8 to listen...and if they want to write, they can take notes. I hate when people comment on my reverent children and follow it up with, "My kids are just too spirited and active to get them to sit still!" or some such. Ha! I know all about "spirited" and "active"...they've just been taught that sacrament meeting is not the place!

Tana: This was a lifesaver for me. When my hubby was in the bishopric, I'd sit in the smaller side pews (near the front) with half the kids in the same row and half in front of me. Having us in a "clump" like that rather than spread out linearly on a long pew made it so much easier to manage. I also had a couple of ladies and a man that I pre-arranged help with. They sat near me and also knew that if I gave them The Look, I needed them to help. As for activities, we're minimalists. I let them look at copies of the Friend or the GAK, and they can have a pencil and notebook. We don't take snacks and we don't let kids leave during the meeting unless it's a true emergency.

Lorraine:  Great comments here. It sounds like Generals making strategies for war! Here is something that helped me: I made a page of little drawings depicting all the things that were BAD on the top half and all the things that were GOOD on the bottom half. The pictures were things like kicking the bench in front, touching other people, getting out of your seat, etc. There are just so many millions of ways to get in trouble, that my kids needed specifics! The good pictures were also helpful. We had a FHE and taught them our expectations. Then I took the sheet to church every week and when someone did something wrong, I quietly pointed to the picture of what they were doing wrong, and to the picture of what they should be doing. They got the message!

Gerilyn: We all seem to have figured out what works. I just want to add that I have always had "reverence practice" at home. Esp. with the little kids, to have to do pretend sacrament meeting and sit on the couch quietly for 20 min. is super helpful and effective. By the time mine are 3 they are expected to sit quietly through the whole meeting. When I do this consistently I hardly even have to try at church. My husband is also the bishop and he is also very reverence-conscious. So he has asked and expected us to be a good example to others (and boy, do some need it!) I agree with Montserrat, kids rise to the level of expectation.

Cheryl: Okay, so what do you do when you have a Special Needs child who can't sit still? Or a child with an auditory sensory disorder who needs attention and can't process what's going on?

I have a son with an auditory sensory disorder, and so we make allowances that people would find annoying or interpret as being bad parents.

I get that it's important to teach our kids to be reverent. I do a lot of the things you guys have mentioned, but I also feel like I need to speak for the women who --for whatever reason --can't and don't. Who have kids who eat treats when they are 4 and those who have kids writing and drawing pictures at 13 and for those who are just grateful they got to church on time (or at all).

I know this thread was an answer to questions about how to improve behavior, but the original OP seemed to want to know how to survive without spousal support. And I think she needs to know that if her kids are irreverent or if it's not perfect --it's okay. She brought her kids to church. That's a beautiful thing.

I mean, because we understand what it's like to have a lot of little kids. And we work extra hard to teach our kids to behave. But that means we should also understand and be more empathetic and sympathetic to women who might not have the talent nor the inclination to make this a hill for them to die on. Their kids aren't going to go inactive because they don't sit still in church, their kids aren't going to refuse to go on a mission if they eat cheerios in Sacrament Meeting. This is in no-wise a judgement against the things people teach their kids or their expectations of behavior. This is more a plea to be a little less assumptive in how children/families should behave in church.

Cheryl's cute kids

Gerilyn:  When my husband was called in to the bishopric years ago we were in a military ward. During the height of the war. Almost every single bench had a family with no dad on it! I learned then and there never to judge. I simply joined their ranks, and counted myself lucky that my husband was at least in the building, not on a ship in the Persian Gulf! Cheryl is right, it can be difficult even to get to church for some,and we should welcome all who can make it! For some of those moms church was the only break they got all week. But we all should do the best we can and help the Spirit to be with us. Often that comes through reverence, but many times it is kindness that brings it!

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Q&A Thursday: Health Effects of Many Pregnancies

Here's a question for you and your friends who also have big families: Have you suffered any long-term/permanent physical problems because of so many pregnancies?

I myself have been very blessed with healthy pregnancies and if I were to answer this on my own, I'd probably say something like this:

Nope! Not unless you count a stomach full of stretch marks and the extra weight I've got hanging around. The stretch marks are definitely tied to the number of pregnancies, but that extra weight would probably have accumulated anyway because I like to eat.

But I was grateful to receive this question because I was curious what my friends' experiences have been with their multitude of pregnancies.

Melanie and her cute family

First, I should post a disclaimer. There are health problems that prevent women from conceiving and carrying a child to term. By virtue of the fact that all the women in my group have six or more children, we have largely avoided these problems. The gals who helped me answer this question are a unique group who have been able to have lots of children. That's not always the case with everyone, and we all want to be careful to note that just because we've been blessed to avoid any permanent health problems does not mean that will be true for all women.

In the course of our discussion the following points were brought up:

1. Our society views pregnancy as a medical condition or something that takes away from good health rather than as a natural, normal part of life. Hence, contraception is considered preventative care. All you have to do is read the comments on any newspaper article about Michelle Duggar to get a sometimes vulgar taste of this view. Since there are fewer and fewer women having lots of children -- .5 percent of women had seven or more children according to the last census -- multiple pregnancies are seen as unusual and scary. My friend Amy had this to say to counter this perspective: "One thing that annoys me, though, is the way society believes that bodies aren't made to have babies (or at least more than a couple). For some reason, exercising your muscles by using them makes them stronger, but exercising your fertility makes you 'weaker?' This hasn't been my experience at all. "

2. There are many positive health benefits to multiple children. I was surprised as I did research just how many documented, scientific benefits there are to having more children:

• More children born means less breast cancer. Studies have shown that each birth to a woman reduces that woman's chance of developing breast cancer by seven percent. In fact, if women in the developed world had as many children as those in the developing world, the breast cancer rate would be cut in half. (source)
• Women with more children live longer. A study done in Australia showed that "women with six or more children were about 40 per cent less likely to die during the 16-year follow-up than women with no children" It also showed that the more children a woman had, the less likely she was to die. "Compared with women who had no children, those with two had a 17 per cent decreased risk of death. For women with three children there was a 20 per cent decreased risk, and this pattern largely continued with additional children." (source)
• Research shows that fetal cells from each child remain in the mother and may spur healing. It's new and it's intriguing:

  In what any ethicist might declare to be legitimate ‘embryonic stem cell therapy,’ the baby’s fetal stem cells migrate to the mother’s injured sites and offer themselves as a healing remedy, becoming part of the mother’s very body. Pinctott writes that such cells have been found in “diseased thyroid and liver tissue and have turned themselves into thyroid and liver cells respectively.”

  Pinctott calls the evidence “striking” that a baby’s fetal cells “repair and rejuvenate moms.”

  Genetics specialist Dr. Kirby Johnson of Tufts Medical Center, Boston, and professor Carol Artlett, a researcher at Philadelphia’s Thomas Jefferson University, back up Pinctott’s ideas. Their research shows that when a woman becomes pregnant she acquires an army of protective cells - what might be called a gift from her child - that remains with her for decades, perhaps till the end of her life.

  Johnson and Artlett spoke to NPR’s Robert Krulwich in a 2006 interview. In their research, Johnson found that a teaspoon of blood from a pregnant mother contained “dozens, perhaps even hundreds of cells… from the baby.” Science has shown that at the end of a mother’s pregnancy, up to 6 percent of the DNA in her blood plasma comes from her baby. (source)

Amelia's adorable family -- will all these kids actually extend her life?

More personally, a couple of us have family tendencies towards severe PMS, and multiple pregnancies and nursing in between have kept our families more peaceful and calm because they are not subject to monthly motherly mood swings. That's a definite positive!

3. Of all the comments, only three have had what might be considered permanent or long-term problems. These are their comments:

• I was glucose intolerant with the first three kids, full blown gestational diabetes with the last two, of which I needed to use insulin with the last. So far had it has gone away after the baby is born, but I'm more predisposed to develop regular diabetes some time in my life. In my mind, however, I was born with a higher risk, since diabetes runs in both sides of my family and I think pregnancy just uncovered that risk.
• Yes, but I've had poor health most of my life anyway, so I don't think my answer is a fair contribution to this poll.
• For me, I feel like the older I get, the harder pregnancy is on my body. Towards the end of my 5th pregnancy I had some pretty significant vision changes, and although it improved a bit after delivery it has been debilitating. With pregnancy #6 I again had even more problems with the same thing. My baby is now 10 months old and, unfortunately not much has changed or improved either.

4. Most of the problems we've experienced as a group are fairly common to pregnancy (no matter the number) and most resolve themselves after delivery. These include:

• Varicose veins. One mother expecting #10 says, "I have varicose veins but they started up part way into my 2nd pregnancy and by my fourth were about as bad as they are now so even if I had stopped after only a few kids I'd still have them. "
• Stretch marks (though at least one of us has none -- wow!)
  
• Low Iron
• Thyroid Issues
• Incontinence during pregnancy when laughing or sneezing
• Extra weight and more belly fat
• Pregnancy mask (brown splotchy marks on the face from hormones and the sun)
• Gestational Diabetes (just a few mentioned this)
• Sacroiliac Joint Disfunction (one person had this)
• Tiredness and difficulty sleeping during pregnancy (you think?)
  

5. Many of us feel that labor and delivery are much easier in later pregnancies.

6. It is hard to separate out what challenges we've had might be due to multiple pregnancies and what might be due to age or family history. We know women who've never had children who have bladder issues and varicose veins, for instance, and the challenges of pregnancy are tougher in an older body whether that child is your first or your tenth. In Amy's words: "Women who have had many babies get told that they have worn out their bodies, when I believe the difficulty of their pregnancies could be very closely compared to that of women of the same age having their first or second."

7. Many of us feel we are in much better shape physically because the responsibility of having so many children has made us more determined to stay in shape. Most of my friends with large families are very attentive to their own health. I've learned a ton about healthy eating from them as well as regular exercise. My own journey to lose weight and get into running the last few years was motivated most of all by knowing I needed to be stronger for the sake of my family -- if I die, I don't know who would take over! But more than that, I have got to be at the top of my game physically and spiritually to be able to take care of this wonderful and immense responsibility.

Ana exercises daily, eats amazingly healthy (much better than me!), bakes bread every week, and manages to stay sane, even with nine kids!

So there you have it -- some of the positive health benefits of having lots of kids along with some of the negative stuff that we've experienced. I'd love to hear more perspectives on this subject -- what has your experience with pregnancy been? Has age or the number of pregnancies had a positive or negative effect on your health? What do you think of the studies I discovered?

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Q&A Thursday: Fitting in Exercise

Today's question is from Shannon:

When do you find time to work out? We have 4 kids and swear they hear the treadmill turn on and everyone needs something right now!

Shannon, I hear you! I have four preschoolers right now and it's hard enough keeping up with the house and the laundry and things that can more easily be interrupted, much less try to exercise for a decent amount of time.

My favorite time to exercise is first thing in the morning. Get it done and out of the way, shower away the sweat, and then move on. Unfortunately, that's not a time that works for me very often. When I'm already waking at night with a baby, I just cannot force myself out of bed any earlier than our 6:45 family scripture study time. Over the years, I've tried -- I keep thinking that I just need more will-power or dedication! But no matter how much dedication or will-power I throw at it, unless I'm sleeping soundly through the night, I can't wake up early.

Last year at this time, I found the best time for me to exercise was during quiet time and naptime. My kids were used to my unavailability during that time since I had been using it to nap (Katie didn't sleep through the night until about ten months old). Once Katie was sleeping well, it was so easy to use that time for exercise -- and it didn't even feel like a sacrifice because those hours were gifts I hadn't had before. My husband works from home about half the time so if he was home, I got to run out on the streets. When he wasn't home, I used the treadmill.

When summertime came, I was pregnant so those afternoon hours were needed again for rest. It was also too hot in the afternoon for outdoor running. I moved my exercise time to the morning and got it in before the kids woke up.

Right now, mornings are out because Cami's waking at night and afternoons are out for the same reason. So I go in the evening. I shoot for 8:00. All the little kids are in bed by then and the house should be calm (but not always -- sometimes I feel like I'm abandoning a sinking ship when I leave to meet my running partner). Other nights, I go at 9 or even 9:30. One night, I even went at 10:30 because that's what time it was when I finally got the laundry folded and Cami settled down. It's not ideal, but it's working. Late evenings are when my family needs me least, so that's when I go.

Three things are really helping me stick to it:

1. I don't skip any days except Sundays. I've made a commitment to do at least fifteen minutes a day. I find the hardest part is just getting started. Knowing all I "have" to do is fifteen minutes helps me get going. Once I'm out running or walking or doing a video, I usually do more than fifteen minutes.

2. I've found it motivating to have an event on the calendar. I know if I don't get in the training, I won't be ready. And I hate wasting money, so once I've paid for something, I want to make sure I get my money's worth out of it.

3. I have an awesome running partner this time. We can't do all our runs together, but we're meeting often enough to keep each other motivated. And a good hour's conversation means I hardly notice my protesting muscles.

What have you done to make exercise a priority? When do you fit it in? How do you make it work with young kids?

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Q&A Thursday: How can you do this NINE times?

Today's question:

I'm in the third trimester of my third pregnancy and while things are going well, I'm absolutely miserable. I feel like I can barely walk around. Each pregnancy has gotten harder for me and I just don't know if I can ever do this again. How in the world have you been able to do this nine* times?

First, let me tell you that I sympathize with you. I felt the same way during my third pregnancy, and each one has been miserable in its own way (though there are three months in the middle of each one that are simply wonderful). Pregnancy is exhausting and emotionally trying. As mortals, we all want to avoid that which makes us miserable, and it takes a good bit of faith and courage to face pregnancy again, knowing just how hard it can be.

This is a question I've gotten a lot over the years. I think some people are simply hoping that I'll say something like, "Oh, pregnancy? It's just a walk in the park for me; THAT'S my secret." Sometimes I've wondered the same thing about other moms of large families -- is it because they don't feel huge and miserable that they can do pregnancy again? Or is it just as hard for them as for me? I belong to a discussion group of amazing moms of large families and I asked them how they would answer this question. And nope, not a single one said it was easy.** I'll be interspersing their comments with my own thoughts in the hopes of bringing a larger perspective to the question.

As I've pondered how to answer this, I came up with four ideas that have helped me endure: 1. Understanding through personal revelation God's will for me. 2. Trying to remember the joy that comes with the birth of a new child and his or her entrance in our home. 3. Focusing only on current challenges and taking it one pregnancy at a time. 4. Understanding and trying to appreciate the different seasons of life. I'll focus on each of these in turn.

1. Understanding through personal revelation God's will for me. If I were just making the decision based on logic or my own inclinations, I would have happily put pregnancy behind me years ago, most likely after number six. Some of my friends have felt the same way. I think Jenifer, mom of 8, summed up my feelings best when she said, "I also always say, 'Life is about learning. Everybody has SOMETHING hard... i just got to choose mine.' but, oh, the thought of getting pregnant again just about makes me puke. I'm trying not to think about the one more that follows me around each day, and hoping he is not hanging out with a few more sisters. how do you ladies do this?!"

It would certainly make my life easier if I had fewer kids. But acting on the experiences and feelings I've had in these choices has brought me great joy and the wonderful privilege of knowing intimately nine amazing little souls. I don't think true joy comes without sacrifice. It is a leap of faith to choose to have a child, to trust that things will be all right and will work themselves out in time. Having the assurance that this is what God wants me to do gives me the courage to do it again. I cling to His promises and assurances during the hardest months of pregnancy and I try to remember all the other times I've felt His help and His love. Every time, I've found that with His help, I can do all that's needed.

Ana, a mother of nine, says this about faith: "Something I've learned (and am still learning actually) is that if we trust the Lord, he will help us. Things are sometimes hard in life (with or without a large family) but somehow it manages to turn out alright when we turn to him . . . I did not HAVE to have my younger children. It was an act of supreme charity on my part that I assented to nine months' of torture for each of them (did I mention I DETEST being pregnant?) and I fully expect a hero's welcome in the next life. ;) It has taken a LOT of faith to go through it again with them. But I am so, so, so glad I did. Also, I would NEVER presume to make that kind of decision/judgment for someone else. It was hard enough to come to the conclusion for myself and I had all the facts in that case. I'm just saying I'm glad I did it and I would urge anyone wondering whether to have more children to be very prayerful about what they decide and to be careful not to get hung up on proximate difficulties. Circumstances have a way of changing."

2. Trying to remember the joy that comes with the birth of a new child and his or her entrance in our home. I wouldn't give up the chance to know any of my children. My large family friends felt the same way and most of them expressed it better than I would have.

Laura, expecting her eighth child, said this: "My biggest motivator is that I love children and babies. I also have a real testimony of the importance of being willing to provide physical bodies and a loving (even if somewhat messy and chaotic) home. If I didn't have that testimony, I wouldn't have the determination to push through the physical, emotional and financial hardships that come with large families. But I also know I would be missing out on such specialblessings and moments. Even if a woman has an unexpected pregnancy, resulting in a larger family than she had "planned", if you asked her which child she'd give back if she could, there's no way she could give you an answer. Because each child is so precious and brings something unique to the family. I hope that this is our last baby for several reasons, but even if we had a surprise, I know I could never imagine our life without that baby. The love I have felt with each of my children has given me the strength to do it all again."

Amy, mom of 8, says this: "There are a few things that really help me. One is John 16:21. 'A woman when she is in travail hath sorrow, because her hour is come: but as soon as she is delivered of the child, she remembereth no more the anguish, for joy that a man is born into the world.'. . . Another thing I am enjoying more and more is the wonder and awe of a new little person full of potential and individuality. I am humbled and fascinated by these little spirits that Heavenly Father has entrusted to me. And they just keep getting funner and cuter and more interesting as they grow up. (I still don't quite understand how there can be room in one heart for so much love.) "

Christina adds: "Pregnancy is hard. I think we all can agree it's generally unpleasant, exhausting, and way too drawn out of a process. One of my most cherished memories as a parent is after delivery (and most of the ordeal is done) when they hand me that sweet, little baby that I've carried for so long. For me, that moment makes it all worth while, and makes me completely ready and willing to do it again (when the time is right of course)."

Who wouldn't fall in love with something like this?


3. Focusing only on current challenges and taking it one pregnancy at a time. I've found over the years that nothing is more discouraging than thinking about all future possible pregnancies while in the midst of one. This lesson was reinforced for me when I was learning to run long distances last year. At the beginning, it was absolutely frightening to look at the schedule and see the distances it told me I'd be running. When five miles is hard, thinking about running 26.2 seems impossible. So I learned to just focus on what was on the schedule for that week. Amazingly, one run at a time and one week at a time brought me to a point where I could handle those long runs, just like that schedule said!

I love this talk by Elder Christopherson, where he points out significant lessons we can learn from the manna, or daily bread, that God provided to the children of Israel in the Old Testament. He points out that God provided each day what was needed for that day only. While it's good to plan and prepare for the future, we live in the present. It is intended for life to be a daily struggle at times, because we need to learn to develop a daily faith. Sometimes when we feel overwhelmed it’s because we are looking too much into the future when all we need to do is have the faith to pray for strength for that day’s challenges. I liked this part of his message:

"In the 1950s my mother survived radical cancer surgery, but difficult as that was, the surgery was followed with dozens of painful radiation treatments in what would now be considered rather primitive medical conditions. She recalls that her mother taught her something during that time that has helped her ever since: “I was so sick and weak, and I said to her one day, ‘Oh, Mother, I can’t stand having 16 more of those treatments.’ She said, ‘Can you go today?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Well, honey, that’s all you have to do today.’ It has helped me many times when I remember to take one day or one thing at a time.”

Ana, I think, made this point better than I could: I am NOT fond of pregnancy but I go through it because of the end product. I used to want seven children and when I was 20 weeks with my fourth pregnancy I was sitting in church feeling absolutely miserable when it suddenly dawned on me that if I wanted seven children I was only half way there. I felt like bawling. I felt like all my future pregnancies were descending on me RIGHT THEN. If I could go back and talk to myself I would tell myself to stop worrying about future pregnancies--to basically let them take care of themselves. Don't try and take on the pains of pregnancies yet to be (beyond getting competent medical advice) before you face them. Do what you need to do today and if you need the strength for more pregnancies/children (we have nine now), it will be there. You do yourself absolutely no favors to borrow anxiety from the future. I feel like I wasted so much time wondering how many more children we'd have, when could I be "done", etc. I am continually amazed at how the Lord has blessed us to be able to do what we are doing. I could never have envisioned it back then when I was pregnant with number four. (In fact, in many ways, that was a harder time period with just those three little ones than now is with nine.)

Amy says this: I love to think of how I'm connected to women throughout the history of the world. I doubt many of them just lovvvvved the pain of childbirth or all the physical/emotional anguish that goes with pregnancy. And they didn't even have comfortable beds or microwave meals or epidurals or sanitary supplies or disinfected hospital rooms or clean water with which to wash their hands! (And don't even get me started on infant/mother mortality rates.) And yet when they held their tiny babies in their arms, they remembered no more the anguish, for joy. One of my favorite examples of this is Sacagawea. She was pregnant on the exploration of the Louisiana Purchase. The way I heard it one day she just sort of wandered off and then came back having delivered her baby. That is one tough woman. I'm glad I've never had to hike across the untamed wilds and have a baby in February in the middle of nowhere. Every time I get whiny while pregnant (which is quite often), I tell myself that story.

4. Understanding and trying to appreciate the different seasons of life. This is something that helped me profoundly during Cami's pregnancy. With ten weeks to go, I was done, done, done, with being pregnant. I was feeling resentful and trying to change that feeling. As I prayed daily for more patience, I found an answer. This is what I wrote to a friend in December about what I discovered:

As for me, I’ve been struggling for over a month with feelings of worn-out-hood (isn’t that a great word?). I’ve been tired of being pregnant and exhausted and feeling like I’m accomplishing so little beyond the basics. The thought of more pregnancies after this one has been absolutely overwhelming and I’ve found myself thinking, “I don’t know if I can do this again,” and “Haven’t I done enough already?” And while I know that I’m doing the will of God with this pregnancy and I’ve committed to bearing the others He is willing to send (I know there is at least one more), I’ve been deeply discouraged by my own weakness and resentment of late – “the Spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak,” is how I’d describe myself. I’ve been praying often for a better perspective, more patience, and that I won’t be so resentful.

At the same time, I’ve been aware of my blessings. My family is at a good place right now. I don’t have huge discipline or school-related problems with any of my kids; the chores and routines we have keep the house in pretty good order; if I don’t feel up to cooking, Lillian, Joey, or DH can do it; my three preschoolers get along amazingly well; etc. I’ve even become aware (I’m sure it’s the Holy Ghost helping me as I’ve prayed over and over again for help) of how much “extra” time I have that doesn’t have to be used. In other words, how much time I’ve been blessed with that I use right now for rest and sitting around because I’m too tired for much else. It reminds me that though I feel exhausted a lot, my family really isn’t suffering because of it.

I’ve also felt those prayers answered in other ways. For example, this week I was thinking about Mary and how I’m sure pregnancy was a struggle for her – not to mention the delivery in poor conditions! – and I was thinking how much easier it would be for me if I could remember and know more about this child. Wouldn’t all the sacrifice be worth it if I knew who this child was to become and what her purpose was on earth? After all, I wouldn’t give a single one of my amazing children back now that I know who they are and a little bit of what they can become. The scripture that came to my mind strongly as I pondered on these things was, “Inasmuch as ye have done it unto the least of these, ye have done it unto me.” It may sound simple, but for me that was profound, to remember and realize that no matter who this child becomes, my gift to her, freely given, is as if I were carrying the Savior himself. With that thought in my mind, I find my resentment starting to melt away and I’m feeling anew that this is a privilege.

Today as I was cleaning (doesn’t the best kind of revelation always come while cleaning?), I was thinking about this stage in my life and I realized that for me, this is simply winter, both physically and emotionally. The seasons of my life this year corresponded really well with what was happening in nature. In the spring, I reawakened with renewed energy and dedication to goals and I tackled them wholeheartedly, planting the seeds of better fitness and enjoying so many other abundant blessings after a hard winter. Summer was the time I worked hard in my garden of life, pushing through the morning sickness to continue to train for my marathon and keep up with my other responsibilities. It was difficult, sure, but I could see at the same time the fruits of my labors beginning to form. Fall was a time of harvest, as I ran a marathon and enjoyed renewed vigor as the morning sickness abated and I appreciated my life so much. But now, I’m in a time of winter. The harvest has largely ended and I’m hibernating some of my talents, withdrawing into myself and trying to conserve what little sunlight and energy I’m given every day. I’m not pushing hard towards goals, but that’s appropriate for the season of my life. And while it’s appropriate to mourn the passing of fall and the harvest, it’s important to realize that this time of rest and dormancy is good and right as well. Instead of berating myself for not doing all the things I was doing during the spring, summer or fall, I simply need to let this be and appreciate winter. One gardening book I read a long time ago described the seasons as “planting, growing, harvesting, and planning,” and pointed out that she’s learned to love winter because it’s her dreaming season. She gets to think and ponder over the seed catalogs and choose what she’ll grow and plant next while not really having to do much at all in her garden. I like that analogy as I apply it to my life. Spring will come again, and it might be a challenging one, with a new baby to enjoy and take care of (dare I hope this one sleeps?), and my body will need to be reawakened and invigorated with regular exercise. I’ll get more summers, with the constant chores and overwhelming tasks and busy-ness all around. I’ll also enjoy more falls, with their lovely colors and abundant harvests. But right now, it’s winter. I can decide I hate winter, with its cold and bluster and grayness. Or I can look for things to like about it – the time I have to not worry about my goals and simply let life unfold, for example, or the way I know I’ll appreciate the freedom to move and breath again after this pregnancy is over and I’m not carrying around this huge bump anymore. I always feel so full of energy during those first few post-partum weeks despite waking up with a newborn. It just feels so wonderful not just to enjoy the new baby, but to have the burden of pregnancy so suddenly and amazingly lifted. I think it’s the way spring always brings me such joy – I wouldn’t love spring so much without the gray, cold days of winter.

Now that Cami's here, I have felt the truth of what I wrote to my friend impress on me. For me, it's spring again. Sure, I'm tired and sleep-deprived. But otherwise? Life is wonderful. I'm not pregnant! I can move! I've been running! And I have a precious new addition to our family to enjoy. Life is good. (But still, I'm with Jenifer -- the thought of being pregnant again makes me want to puke. I'm trying not to think about it right now).

(me last week -- enjoying NOT being pregnant AND hoping to lose that extra weight around my middle)

* I should probably clarify that I've only done pregnancy eight times. But since a multiple pregnancy increases the discomfort and the morning sickness (I threw up twice a day instead of just once), can I count it twice?

* * I have since heard from several large family moms who are blessed with wonderful pregnancies and NO morning sickness. I'm seriously jealous.

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